hannahbean's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- steven crisis (again) I wrote this a few weeks ago but never posted it, so I thought I ought to since I put so much effort into it: Steven called me last night. I nearly had a heart attack when the phone started ringing (my home phone hardly ever does), but then I had a feeling it was him. "But why would he be calling me," I thought as I went to pick it up. Even when I heard his voice, I still didn't quite believe it. I panicked a bit, thought I was just imagining him out of wishful thinking, but it was him. We had a funny chat, just about what we'd been up to past few months. I told him I was annoyed because the last time we'd spoken he'd said he would take me out for my birthday, and I never heard back from him. He claims he doesn't remember that conversation. I never know what to think when he says stuff like that. Steven tells white lies a lot to end arguments, but then he also has this memory problem because of his stroke. It's weird. He told me he had sold his flat, but he hasn't found a new place yet so he might move in with Jim. I think that will be good for him. The city centre lifestyle is wonderful and I was always jealous of it, but it's going to kill him if he carries on. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, so I said no, are you. He said no. Silence. That was fun. But I kind of knew it anyway. I knew when I got a message he was on holiday, it was with Jim. I knew he's just been out with his mates getting pissed 24-7. To be honest, I'm a bit worried about him, he's drinking way too much. Rather ironically though, I have just signed up to match.com. Perhaps that is for the best, at least I'm not putting my eggs in a basket. We talked a lot about our relationship, he said he had such fond memories of us being close. I told him I always loved going out to eat with him. It's true. He seemed perplexed, asked why. I said, because it's romantic. He went silent. Then he asked me if I'd meet him for a drink. I said sure, how about this weekend, but he's going to London. So we're meeting on Thursday. Knowing Steven, he'll want to come around. I don't know how I feel about that. Not sure I want him in my house in case he tries to put the moves on. Not even sure if he wants to try again. I don't think Steven has ever really intentionally tried to hurt me. I don't think he thinks like that. But he's a bit selfish, and selfish people can cause pain without realizing it by their very nature. It's a catch 22. I can't stop thinking about my wish list too. I can't tell people about it cause they'll think I'm crazy. The mate I'm trying to manifest. Steven keeps coming around when I make these wishes, when I start to feel happy and sure I'll meet someone, here he comes. I've been feeling like something "big" was going to happen to me for weeks. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Okkaaayyyy maybe not. He just called and told me he was at york races. Nice for him, sucks for me. Did want to see him, but to be honest, feel a bit shit today so perhaps for the best. Was more upset than I let one though. I know this because I went home and pigged out. I only do that when I'm upset. At some point I cried a little. Clearly Steven is not THAT interested in getting back together with me or else he would have tried harder. What annoyed me the most was that I called him very early in the morning yesterday and then when he called back he was all, can I call you later, and it was only then, at 4pm that he said he couldn't make drinks that evening. Maybe he thought he could and realized he couldn't but it was still like, hello? can you not tell me sooner? his total disregard for MY TIME just drives me crazy. He doesn't get it. I chatted with him a bit more but had totally lost interest in him at that point, he couldn't even remember that I'd already told him I was going on holiday next week. He was like, you are? with whom? I was flabbergasted. I guess he was drunk when he called me on Monday too, I'm really beginning to think he's an alcoholic. He probably didn't even remember asking me for a drink and he probably doesn't even remember yesterday's conversation where he asked me for another drink next wednesday. I won't hold my breath. I'm already considering blowing him off as a small revenge as I have zero interest in meeting him now and also I technically do have plans (I'd forgotten yesterday). On tuesday, I'm going to yoga per normal and then on weds I will go see Huw's band, assuming I am packed for Thursday. It would be lovely to blow Steven off, but he probably won't even call me, which will annoy me again. I hate the way he makes me feel, like I'm nothing to him, so I really think it is best to completely avoid him from now on. I can't believe I allowed myself to get excited about him *again*. I just never learn do I? I was also a bit upset about the whole match.com thing. I had a few good hits in the first few days but lately they've been really rubbish and the guys I was chatting too have gone away. What's up with that? guess they don't like my email style, who knows. Rubbish. Trying to think positive, after all I am in this for 6 months but it's hard. This weekend I will send out a few more winks/emails, see if I can get any responses. Maybe change my picture?? Cath and I were supposed to meet for lunch today. She cancelled on me for some painfully long reason which I couldn't be bothered to fully read. Was rather looking forward to it as I'm in a crap mood and wanted to talk to her about Steven. She always has a really good perspective on these type situations even if I don't agree with her, her opinions are always pause for thought. 1:06 p.m. - 2007-09-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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